The Paradox of a “Brutiful Life”- How Joy and Pain Can Exist Simultaneously
What does JOY look like in the midst of sacrifice?
When I entered my forties, I faced a significant crossroads in my life. I had two incredibly strong desires in my heart, and I knew that I only had the energy, emotional and spiritual resources to pursue one of them….
Seminary or Motherhood?
My husband and I had already suffered the loss of three pregnancies. I had always just assumed that I would be a mother. I spent my entire adult life caring for the children of others. There were many reasons why I had not actively pursued motherhood until my 30s, the main reason being that I didn’t get married until I was 33. This is not a judgment against anyone who decides to have a child on their own. I think that is wonderful — but it wasn’t on my radar at the time. I had been mostly working towards completing my education, and trying to pay for it myself. That had consumed the larger part of my energy and resources in my twenies and into my thirties. So financially — having a child on my own would not even have been on my radar.
After I was married, I decided that I was happy enough taking care of the children of others.
Most of the time they felt like mine anyway.
Financially, I didn’t think that we could support a child of our own. When I accidentally became pregnant, I was frankly shocked at how excited I was, and how wonderful everything seemed. I realized that I had made a mistake, thinking that other people’s children were enough for me. I realized that I desperately wanted my own.
And then, all of a sudden, I wasn’t pregnant anymore….
This happened three times over the course of seven years. It was my dark night of the soul. I wrestled with God over how a God that I loved so much could allow those horrible miscarriages to keep happening to me. How God and I resolved this difference is another post for another time, but we DID resolve it -and I came out on the other side- with a stronger, more realistic and honest faith.