Addiction & Recovery- Childless By Choice???

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There is no doubt that my drinking history and my childless state are closely connected.

I used to think it wasn’t my choice to be childless. That I was a victim….

I mean, after all, I suffered three horrible miscarriages…..

I desperately believed that I wanted a baby.

This is not to say that I ever was drinking while I knew I was pregnant or trying to get pregnant . Those were actually the few times that I was able to stay away from alcohol successfully .

It is more that my drinking lifestyle and habits kept me in a state of immaturity for much longer than the non-alcoholic (or the people whom we in recovery call “earth people”). My drinking kept me from seeing things clearly and being honest with myself. I was telling myself that I did not want children of my own all through my twenties and thirties. I told anyone that asked me that “my kids” were my preschool students and the children that I cared for during my various stints as a nanny. So, it wasn't until I accidently became pregnant, at age 33, that I allowed myself to realize that I DID want to be a mother.

At least…..part of me did.

And before we go on any further with this topic, to any of you parents who are wondering if I was “safe” to be taking care of…