A Mother’s Heart in a Pastor’s Body

The Cake from My Last Day at Preschool

My husband gets me a card now on Mother’s Day. He gets it but I had to explain to him, a number of years ago, that I needed a card on Mother’s Day……That’s OK. A lot of people don’t understand how to deal with us. I like to call us the silent mothers- those who consider themselves mothers- even if the rest of the world does not. Many people don’t know that I have three children who await meeting me one day face to face. Three children that I was only allowed to carry inside of myself for a few months. While they were there, I dreamt of what they would be, how they would look, what they would like, what they would do and how my husband and I would take care of them.

When you have a miscarriage- most of the world goes on like nothing has happened at all. Heck, many people in today’s world don’t even consider what I lost to be real children. They were fetuses, or a group of cells. But that is not what I believe. I believe that life starts at conception and though my children may have not been fully formed physically, I believe that a fully formed soul inhabited each of those tiny clusters of cells. At nine weeks, a baby already looks like a little gummy bear. Parts are being formed. Things are happening. When that stops happening, as far as I am concerned, a life is lost.

I have been through the horrible disappointment and grief of miscarriage three times. On each occasion, I went back to work within a day or two. My job, for many years was teaching and caring for children from birth through age five. I will not even try to put into words how it feels to have to go back to that job after losing a child. Looking back, I cannot even believe I was able to do that but my faith in God enabled me to do what needed to be done. Now that I am a Pastor, I still have children in my life. In addition to my church job, I also am a part time nanny. I can never have a life without children in it.

In addition to the three children, who wait to meet us in heaven, I have many, many children who have taken residence inside of my heart. Children I have cared for in sickness. Children I have comforted. Children I have tucked into bed. Children I have bathed and fed and read bedtime stories to. Children whom I have prayed for. Children whom I have taught to pray. I could go on and on. I have a mother’s heart.